January 24, 2011

I reckon going back as far as I can will allow for a better understanding of my situation.

I know there are those that will judge me and again, please remember I'm not looking for your judgement. (I'm pretty good at doing that myself) Until you are in the shoes I wear, please don't believe you know what is happening. Those who judge the cup 1/2 full never had their eyes open to begin with. And until you are in the shoes I wear, you truly never know how you will respond.

We met while I was working third shift. He at the time had been married for 14 .. maybe 15 years, not quite certain. I, myself had been married a little over a year to a man 22 years my senior. (Another blog time I'm sure as to the extent of that marriage) Long in short of it, my exhusband decided that there were more important things in his life than myself. Perhaps I should have known that when I married in for my first marriage as wife number 4!!!

My husband who from here on our will be referred to as "hub" and I quickly became friends and something just clicked. Nothing romantic was involved with us. We were great friends, sharing secrets, goals and life's desires. I'm honest when I say there wasn't something romantic going on with us. Had he been a woman, I'm sure no one would have seen a problem with our "relationship". As most relationships go, we began confiding in each other issues that were happening. He had been emotionally disconnected from his marriage for over 5 years, yet was staying for the sake of his children. He admitted that he often worked more hours than needed because he didn't want to be at home with Ms. Ex. Long and short of it, hub and I talked as "friends" for a little over a year and a half. Of course the cell phone bills would have dictated something different, but honestly, it was platonic. Sure there may have been flirting here and there, but I believe hub knew things were different with me as I wasn't the typical woman you meet and have a one night stand with that he might have been used to.

Cell phone bill later and Ms. Ex asked hub to leave the home. It was at that point that our relationship took a different turn. I had already moved out from my ex's place and was in the process of dissolving that relationship. I believe we were both at a point that if you are going to accuse us of doing something, well .... we might as well just do something... and thus; six years later, here I am ... happily married to my prince charming. The first couple years after his divorce was final Ms. Ex and I really didn't get a long. I can't imagine why, afterall, she hadn't held a legit job for the last 17 years and her bread winner was gone. It was frustrating watching the $1200+ support payment go out each month knowing the children were with us over 75% of the time and her role as a mother was not being pursued.

After having calculated everything that first year, we had, had the children 268 overnights out of the 365, on top of the $1200+ in support going out. We went back to court and proved that we had joint custody. At the time the courts agreed that hub shouldn't pay anything in support, but the "good" guy that he is, he offered $175 a week for six months. Giving Ms. Ex time to find a job. The timeline would prove still at a dead end road.

Time line ---- divorce final in 2005, 2007 we get shared custody - $175 weekly, 2008, $125 - weekly, 2009 - (6 months no support), 2010 - full custody, no support!

2005 - through the end of 2006 was very tiring for myself. The kids had been with us 75% of the time and as a mom myself it was breaking my heart that their own mother wasn't really around. Just seemed that all she wanted was the support money coming in. While proving joint custody we learned a few extracurricular activities that Ms. Ex was involved with with her then boyfriend. I would refer to him as gentleman, but he is the epitomy of using women. It was then that I realized Ms. Ex had very low self esteem issues and that he played on those emotions. I wasn't in a position to say anything, but the children had expressed a disdain in the man. Children see more than we will ever admit, and for a child to come forward and say they aren't liking someone for "creepy" reasons ... you would think one might look deeper into the issue. While I can't confirm anything, I can confirm that an email reached me one day advising me to check out a certain "adult" website. I clicked on the link and low and behold there was Ms. Ex, face and all will the world to look at her ..... burlesque style? (is that the polite way) I was thrown back that I was able to access this so easily. Don't get me wrong, please whatever your desires in your bedroom, go for it .... but do you have to display it to the world wide web with your face attached to it???? Maybe I'm just too modest.... Maybe I was sickened to think that the information was right there for any and all to see, including the kids. Deep breath... Polite confrontation and yea well she thought we were just trying to be controlling of what she does. Quite frankly, that was the least of my concerns. Two little voices into my now blended family have been and will continue to be the only thing that mattered to me.

(On a side note -- her then part time profession was that of the public eye and role model to children)

Something must have transpired in Ms. Ex because shortly after the confrontation the relationship she was in ended and she moved back to the area in which the kids were living with us.

Around 2006, Ms. Ex and I took a turn for the better. I mean way better! I nominated her for a woman of the year award! I truly believed she had been through a tough battle and was turning her life in the right direction. I felt she was worthy of inspiration to other single mothers. (Perhaps, I over stepped that thought about a million feet!)

January 2007, Ms. Ex and I ventured into business together. Yes, I hear you.. I opened a fitness studio with her? Perhaps, in the back of my mind I was feeling sorry for her. She hadn't held a real job her entire life and now here she was mid 40's, two kids and really nothing to show for it. While the fitness studio was not something I did full time, as a recreational fun job it was great. I was hoping that would prove to be the choice of Ms. Ex too, but again... it did not.

Financing the studio was bit of a headache. Ms. Ex didn't have any resources and I did. With the gracious help of my uncle we were able to fund the opening and resources that were needed. I advised I would cover the first couple months rent to allow her time to get on her feet. Almost six months into the business, Ms. Ex went on vacation and while out of town, drained the business account funds stating she didn't have any money and that she would replace it upon returning. Whether or not she ever replaced it, I really don't know. I would linger to the negative side of it. About month number 9 I was really getting frustrated with Ms. Ex. I was keeping track of the books at the business and according to the paper records there should have been well over $2800 in our account. A check of the balance showed about a little over two dollars! I asked where the money was at and Ms. Ex stated she hadn't a clue. Well, I knew that she and I were the only two to have access to the account and I didn't have it! Have I mentioned that I had avoided paying myself for the 3 months prior to allow her money to pay for her own living expenses? (cell phone, cable, rent, license plates) Light bulb finally went off and I decided that being in business with Ms. Ex was not a good business decision on my end.

Perhaps it was done on purpose... Drain me of about $6,000 and I have enough since to walk away. Maybe I deserved it? After all, at the time I was engaged to her ex husband. We used to joke that we would be a great Lifetime movie. Seriously, our friendship, unless I was completely oblivious to the situation had blossomed. She would call me during the evenings to discuss her current boyfriend "problems", gossip from other places she would teach at, advice on the kids. It was a friendship. We would shop together, borrow each other's clothing .. it was odd. Friends would tease us that she would be moving in with us and renting a room from us before we knew it. Ironically, the thought had crossed my mind. I believed at that time had we met under different circumstances we would have been great, life long friends....

I'm usually a great judge of character..... oh was I wrong on this one... This is just 2008 starting now .... and well the drama is only beginning.

Keeping it simple, Keeping it light.... See your tomorrow.